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The Archon – Not A Pirate Convention At All

Seriously. No, really.

We’ve been doing some thinking lately as we’ve been handily crushed by opponent after opponent while playing Zerg – which one of these units should we really not be bothering with? Which of our stalwart and slimy army should be left behind in the puddle of goo they came from? Which is simply not worth their weight on the battlefield?

If you’re Zerg, well, your answer might be “all of them”, but then we’d point out that you’re “only” in the Silver league, and what do you know, and you’d shove a finger in our face and then we’d say something we knew was hilarious but would probably regret about your lineage and you’d run off crying.

Categories: StarCraft 2.

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Eighteen Months Or More? You’re Getting Swarmer!

That’s right folks – speaking at the Game Developers Conference (GDC) in Texas, Blizz notable Greg Canessa told the world that the next installment of the SCII franchise, the Zerg-focused “Heart of the Swarm”, would not be released for over a year.

Canessa, who is the Battle.net project director, told the assembled developers that items such as trading, replays and profile upgrades were going to be the “main area of focus we’re going to be seeing on the Starcraft [II] side over the next 18 months between now and Heart of the Swarm”.

Categories: StarCraft 2.

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Welcome To The Fungal

Hot on the heels of patch 1.1 and 1.1.1 comes a new “Developer’s Corner” blog on Battle.net – this time about the vaunted 1v1 game.

For whatever reason – loneliness, the realization gamers are solitary pizza-pocket eating basement cave dwellers, or simple apathy – Blizzard has been extremely focused on the balance of the 1v1 game to the exclusion of all else.

Categories: StarCraft 2.

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Look ‘Ma, No Plans!

Yup, that about accurately covers us when playing Zerg.

See, here’s the thing. We’ve been waxing prosaic about how Zerg are reportedly underpowered, underused and generally sucky for a few weeks now.

At first, we were amused.

Then we were, well, super-amused.

Categories: StarCraft 2.

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Hardly Farm-fresh And Not One Bit Organic

That’s right people, it’s time to talk about eggs.

Easter eggs.

We all know by now that the large leporid that brings candy and chocolate eggs to our homes is not only hard to track down, but ever harder to capture.

Some say he is not real, others hold fast to the notion that he is simply an extremely clever herbivore.

Whatever the case, his goodies are tasty, but he is elusive, elusive.

Categories: StarCraft 2.

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Shhh….Blizz Might Hear You

Or did, suckas.

Hot on the heels of both patch 1.1 and our discussion of the inherent suck of the Zerg comes patch 1.1.1, which features a number of small changes, most notably this one:
“Fixed an issue where Ultralisk cleave range was being unintentionally extended by larger targets”

According to the SC2Armory, this has “fixed the Ultralisk splash bug, but also now rendered it useless against all units”.

We have only one thing to say regarding this matter.

QQ.

Wait, one more.

QQ moar noob.

Categories: StarCraft 2.

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It’s All Zerg To Us

And mostly just spitting and snarling with the occasional howl of rage.

The Zerg language is not exactly known for its finesse or subtlety, though they do have some excellent musicals.

A Streetcar Named Dezerg, anyone? Short-term engagement, limited seating!

Their poetry is awful, though, just awful.

Categories: StarCraft 2.

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Merry Zergmas, Jim Raynor


(Egg nog for everyone!)

We were going to get him a chemistry set, but were concerned that he’d set his long flowing hair on fire. We considered a sporty new bicycle, but he has a habit of getting into fights with the Protossian children down the block and the kids of that nice couple, the Zergowichs, up the street.

Jim just can’t play nice.

Categories: StarCraft 2.

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The Science Of Matchmaking

Or, what grabbing a few beers and hoping for the best will do for your love life.


(Practice is good – just watch out for chafing)

Since the dawn of BattleNet 2.0 lo those many months ago, there has been speculation about just how Blizzard does its matchmaking for Starcraft II games. Some are firmly convinced that an elaborate scientific formula is used, taking into account details such as how long you’ve been playing, what your win/loss ratio is, how many years its been since you’ve spoken to a human being and how often you touch yourself at night.

Categories: StarCraft 2.

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Patch 1.1 – Not So Much Decorative

Maybe you remember it from when you were a kid, or maybe you’re just too damn young. If you are, and you don’t, then please don’t take this as guide.

Jeans used to rip – a hell of a lot more than they seem to do now. Thrifty and industrious parents, fed up with buying the latest “tab” of jeans, would slap on a big, dark patch to cover up the hole in the knees that their little monster had suffered while out adventuring. Eventually, some bright child figured out they could slap a bright patch right over intact jeans, and thus began patches as a fashion statement.

Don’t do this.

Categories: StarCraft 2.

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