We're out of toilet paper...
The simple truth is that we don’t like Zerg.
Initially, we were all-Terran-all-the-time. We felt comfortable with them. They were like us – we had the same hopes, the same dreams, the same tenacious stupidity that made us hang on even when we had one SVC and two Marines left.
We’d stand there, facing down a cornucopia of Carriers or a squad of Stalkers, hair whipping in wind, teeth bared in a snarl to do the most feral dog proud, and we’d get owned.
But dammit, we loved it.
And although we played Zerg and Protoss for the purposes of scientific experimentation, “know thy enemy”, and all that, we didn’t really enjoy them.
As ‘toss, we always forgot to build enough Pylons, or forgot we needed to put buildings inside their range. We also had a terrible habit of leaving Probes to chill out and watch the world go by after they’d started to phase in a building. Sure, we got reams of really bad Probetry in Hexamic Pentameter, but “The Sonnets of a Lonely Probe” didn’t help us win any matches.
It did help us understand the under-appreciated and over-worked life lived by our poor Probes. Here’s to you, boys! Now get back to work.
Still, Protoss grew on us. They could get to air units far faster than Terrans, and the Zealot rush, if done right, could be devastating. It wasn’t long before we were playing 50/50 Terran/Toss, then it crept upward to 25/75. The Terrans were great, we just needed a break.
They understood. It was a mutual thing. We needed some space. It was us, not them, anyway. Don’t call us. Yeah – our phone’s been acting up, we didn’t get your texts.
They’re cool. We think.
But despite our broader perspective, we just couldn’t play Zerg. We tried several times, and the concept is really interesting, but they’re just too damn gross. They’re too squishy, too slimy, too pus-filled.
It all came to a head when a friend of ours asked us which type of Zerg we thought was most disgusting.
The Roach was our choice, and then she said “no, I mean in real life. Like, if one was in your bathroom.”
Oh, and was life-sized.
Okaaaay.
Number one – we wouldn’t be going number one (or two) in that bathroom ever again. Number two – the Roach. Still.
Seriously. It could BURROW UNDER YOUR FLOOR. If that’s not some scary crap, we don’t know what is. Sure, Hyrdas would be creepy and Mutas would be like giant angry wasps that could shoot at you, but the Roach is just pure hideousness all over.
Turns out, we hate bugs.
We knew this anyway, but had hoped to convince ourselves that the Zerg “weren’t so bad”. This has been unsuccessful, and the real-life Roach conversation has convinced us we’ll never be a Zerg’s best friend.
Will we play them, every once in a while? Sure, why not? We’ll lose and be slightly disgusted, but we know it will happen.
Will we ever view our bathroom the same way again? No, and we’re going to need a bigger flyswatter.
And perhaps a new house.
