They totally started drinking before noon. For shame.
Step 1: Find a really big glass.
Step 2: Fill it with eight Starcraft players. Make sure four of them hate the other four.
Step 3: Add 1 part minerals, 1 part rich minerals and a liberal spoonful of Vespene Gas.
Step 4: Shake well.
Step 5: Let it settle. Drink heavily.
We’ve avoided 3v3 and 4v4 combat like the plauge because we can barely manage 1v1. 2v2 pushes the limits of what we can handle in terms of unit management and observation, and we’ve heard that FFA is, well, just imagine that those “f”s stand for something a little more offensive, and you get the idea. Also, we’ve been very successful in avoiding the plague. We’re pleased to report no open sores or oozing pus is currently present on or around our gaming-sculpted body.
Ah, small mercies.
In speaking with friends who have played 4v4 (and are also plauge-free) we’ve learned that it is, first and foremost, a giant gong show. Everyone needs to defense-up their base a quickly as possible, and just pray to their own brand of diety that the first attack doesn’t come their way. Any band of four merry men that has half a brain between them should figure out that if they coordinate their attack, they can easily destroy one of their four opponenets right off of the bat.
You really, really, don’t want to be that opponent.
If your partners are actually any good, they should back you up by sending forces your way, but more than likely they will simply let you die for the good of the cause, and hope that you take a few of the enemy’s units down with you in a blaze of glory.
If your partners are bad, which happens around 50% of the time, you’ll get a litany of chat about how what you’re doing is wrong and how you should do it better. Then, your partners will likely get completely destroyed, and tell you why it was your fault that they weren’t able to totally pwn everthing that moved.
Ah, the joy of Internet, haven for twelve year old boys, random douchbags and passive aggressive morons since Al Gore invented it in the ’80s. Gotta love it. Sure, there are those of us that are well-balanced, kind, and not really that uptight about what is, at its heart, a game, but we tend to be in the minority.
Our friends who do a lot of 2v2 randoms have told us that the jackassery that goes on in some of the matches is unbelievable. On more than one occasion, our 2v2 partner has been in a random in which her partner has given her grief for not “properly” building her base, and then promptly been destroyed. Even in death, these idiots have continued to tell her what she should be doing and how she should be doing it, and in one instance, she actually managed to win the match, alone, while her “partner” sniped at her from the shadows of virtual hell.
See, this is why we don’t play 2v2 random. While we would find this sort of commentary more hilarious than anything, we doubt it would add anything to our already weak game.
Nonetheless, 3v3 and 4v4 do exist for those that wish to partake in them, at least for the next 4 days when the Beta will shut down for an undetermined period of time. So soak up as much Starcraft as you can, ladies and gentlemen. Get your Terrans rolling, your Zerg creeping and your Protoss doing whatever it is that they do, because your time is running out.
Luckily, the Galactic Food Network will be debuting a cheeky cooking show featuring a trio of dishes prepared by the heroes of the Starcraft universe. Really, what more do you need until July?
Plus, we hear that Zeratul’s Chocolate Cherry Warp Cake is to die for.
Also, it shoots LAZORS.
